Products that scare me a little

1. The Babykeeper Basic. A baby carrier that transforms into this handy thing that lets you dangle your baby from public washroom doors when you have to go.

2. Mac a Cheezee. I really thought this was a joke the first time I saw them in the grocery store. All the fat and salt of regular mac ‘n cheese with the added benefit of deep-frying!

3. Lunchables. Apparantly a $750 million a year industry. Notice how you don’t get more than a teensy glimpse of the product. Parents assume it’s real food. As long as the kids are happy, let’s not enquire too closely.
4. Bodyperks nipple enhancers. “As worn on the nipple episode of Sex and the City”, it says, “Don’t settle for an imitation product.” They’re only $20 a pair.
5. And while we’re enhancing our bits and pieces, let’s not forget the dog. Neuticles, to give Rover back his macho mojo after he’s had his boysectomy.
6. The Lady Taser. O.M.G.! (this one scares me a lot)

7. Backpack Shield. You can buy just the shield or a lovely variety of bullet-proof backpacks. They’re for your kids. To give you piece of mind when sending the little ones out in the scary world.
7. Jonny Glow – helps men to see where they’re going.
8. Ontario Ministry of Health’s new home colon cancer home check kit – as seen on those see-through-people tv ads. You poop on a stick and send the poop-loaded stick to a lab, through the mail, in a postage-paid envelope that comes with the free kit.

I think my neighbors are in witness protection

She and her 3 teenagers moved into a modest bungalow around the end of February. They say they’re from Vancouver and moved here because the oldest son, “Tyler” is going to Carleton in September and because they’re tired of the rain in Vancouver. But they have American accents.

The other two kids, “Emma” and “Max” attend a local high school. The mother, “Rae Presley” doesn’t have a job.[1]

They seem like nice, ordinary people. I’ve been over for tea a couple of times and Rae has been over to my place a couple of times. I haven’t been able to convince her to go anywhere else. She says that other than the grocery store, she pretty much stays home.

When I casually asked if that was an American accent I detected, Rae said, “No". Just like that.

One day when I was there, Max called his older brother, Kevin.

One day Rae was telling me something about her daughter and called her Brianne. “Who’s Brianne?” I asked. “Oh,” she stammered. “What? Um…Brianne is Emma’s middle name – sometimes I call her that…I should stop…she doesn’t like it.”

(Okaaaaay)

Everything in their house is new. Everything. They have no old knickknacks or bits of furniture or even dishes. All brand spankin’ new.

They have a lot of locks on their doors and windows; an alarm system and an elaborate spy-hole in their front door that lets them see the sides of the house, a big expanse of the front yard and whether or not someone is crouching behind the door. It always takes them a really long time to answer.

Rae has offered to cat sit for me next time we go away.
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[1] All names have been changed to protect everyone, just in case.

PS: I've been having huge difficulties with stupid Googleblogger. Is it just me?

Something Short & Pithy

Dave recently mentioned something called “psychogeography” on his blog. I’d never heard of it, so I looked it up. The French invented it.

It’s based on the premise that geographic surroundings affect the human psyche and you observe this human interpretation of urban landscapes through dérive, (walking without a goal).

The sudden change of ambiance in a street within the space of a few meters; the evident division of a city into zones of distinct psychic atmospheres; the path of least resistance which is automatically followed in aimless strolls (and which has no relation to the physical contour of the ground); the appealing or repelling character of certain places.

One or more persons during a certain period drop their usual motives for movement and action, their relations, their work and leisure activities, and let themselves be drawn by the attractions of the terrain and the encounters they find there'. The original idea was to re-discover the city in terms of moods and atmospheres.

There have been psychogeography societies all over Europe since the 1950s. Members call themselves flâneurs.

There’s also some sort of sexual element to this, but I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. Something about voluptuous architecture and/or erotic landscaping... I'll have to get back to you.

There’s a psychogeography society in Toronto and one in Montreal and an e-psychogeography blog. I think we need one of these sexy flâneur groups in Ottawa.

Do you dérive? Have you observed distinct psychic/erotic atmospheres in your aimless strolls around your city?

Monday Morning Nonsense

A Definitive Guide to Women's Body Language

While I still have my research team under contract I thought I’d send them out to answer the age old question: How do I know if a woman likes me? [1]

Short answer: Study their body language.

So, after the usual interviews, surveys and focus groups, we have ascertained the following:

Hair: A woman’s hair is an important communication tool.

- If she tosses it around and plays with it a lot it means she likes you.

- If she scratch her head it means you’re confusing her or possibly that she has head lice.

- If she tears out large chunks of her hair and screams, you’ve overstayed your welcome.

- If she pulls off her hair to reveal a brush-cut, she’s a Marine in drag.

Clothes: Clothes are an expression of a woman’s psyche – not only what she’s wearing, but how she’s wearing it.

- If a woman undoes the top button of her blouse while talking to you, she’s signaling a strong sexual interest in you.

- If she undoes all the buttons on her blouse and takes it off, she wants you to do her right there and then.

- If she does up buttons on her blouse and shivers it means either that she’s cold or that you’re giving her the creeps.

- If she puts on her coat and leaves, you may assume you’ve struck out.

Breasts: Women know breasts have a stupefying effect on men. They don’t really understand it, but have learned to take advantage of it anyway.

- If a woman thrusts her bosom forward during the conversation, she’s very attracted to you.

- If she takes her breasts out and asks you to feel how real they are, it’s a pretty good indication that she’s a table dancer.

- If she folds her arms over her breasts and cowers in a corner you should probably think of a better pick-up line.

Legs: Legs can be very important in gauging a woman’s intentions. Pay careful attention to what the legs are telling you.

- If she crosses and uncrosses her legs a lot she wants to attract your attention.



- If she wraps her legs around your neck she's only demonstrating her flexibility -- don't misread this move.

- If she swings her leg back and forth quickly while talking to you, she’s upset.

- If she swings her leg and her foot and connects with your groin, she’s really, really upset.

Eyes: The window to the soul, as we all know.

- If a woman looks you in the eye while speaking with you she’s fascinated by you (or more rarely, may be trying to hypnotize you).

- If a woman looks you up and down while talking to you and smiles it means she wants you.

- If she looks you up and down and laughs it means your fly is undone.

- If she rolls her eyes at everything you say she’s either disgusted with you or about to pass out.

- If she blinks a lot you’re probably spitting while you talk.

- If a woman closes her eyes and pouts her lips she wants you to kiss her.

- If she closes her eyes and snores, you’re probably boring her.

Hands: Though often ignored during courting rituals, hands can tell you a great deal about the person you’re with. Watch the hands closely and note everything from what they look like to how they move during conversation.

- If she touches you a lot, she’s warm for your form.

- If she slaps you, you need a new pick-up line.

- If she grabs your testicles and twists, you need to get your hands off her and step away.

- If she grabs her own testicles invitingly, she’s a Marine in drag and is warm for your form.

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[1] The body language of the human male will be discussed in another article. Consultants will need to be hired for this project.

*** No actual testicles were harmed during the development of this guide.

Reality Comes to Ottawa

Speaking of Revolutionary New Dating Paradigms, the other day someone told me about “like, the totally raddest reality show ever” –- Rock of Love. (seen on something called “VH1”) In this brilliant social experiment, washed-up rockers like Brett Michaels, who have a hard time finding a meaningful relationship, search for love by:

Inviting twenty handpicked beautiful women to move into his rock and roll palace in the Hollywood Hills to compete for his heart. They must win over his mind and his body by proving their love for Bret, their passion for rock and their potential to be the perfect "Rock Star Girlfriend." During the course of the show, “women” need to prove they can:

- Attend red carpet events
- Live on a tour bus with roadies
- Compete with younger, hotter groupies
- Be cool around celebrities
- Get “down and dirty” with him
- Always look smokin’ hot.

As I was looking this up, I came across something even more unbelievable. As you know, Canada likes to pick up American reality show successes and make them their own (e.g.: Canadian Idol, Eh? So You Think You Can Dance Canada, Eh? The Next/First Great Prime Minister). Our version of Rock of Love, apparently is going to be something called Hill of Love.

As far as I can figure out it’s going to be on CBC and feature a series of has-been/never-been MPs who are trying to find their soul-mates by inviting groups of 20 beautiful Canadian political science students to Parliament Hill for a month.

In the first season, Ottawa-Orleans MP, Royal Galipeau, will ask women to prove they’d be well-suited to be the Deputy Speaker’s "Hill-Babe" in the fast-paced world of Canadian politics. Competitors will need to show they can:

- Sit with him in the House and nudge him awake as required
- Travel back and forth from Orleans to Parliament Hill several times a year
- Compete mano-a-mano with David McGinty next time he picks a fight
- Be cool when accidently, on-purpose brushing up against Stephen Harper in the hallway
- Get down on their knees regularly and pray with him to rid Canada of all the perverts and baby-killers
- Always look like a proper, god-fearin’ woman in public and act like a randy she-bitch in the bedroom.

Give a Man a Fish

The Food Bank's, (Ottawa) website says it “provides 40,000 people each month with emergency food assistance, 40% of whom are children.” Food banks are now worried because rising food and gas prices are making it harder to keep their shelves stocked.

The whole food bank concept makes me crazy. Food banks, care packages, soup kitchens were meant as stop-gap emergency measures -- for disaster relief… for war-torn countries…in places or times when food was scarce. So, how did they get to be permanent fixtures in Canada? Last time I checked, there was plenty of food around.

Mega-grocery stores are everywhere, groaning with edibles. There are markets, natural food stores, straight-from-the-farm home delivery services, restaurants, cafeterias, coffee shops, pubs, snack bars – food all over the place. All you need to get some is some money.

So why have we established such inefficient, costly, unpredictable systems of food distribution to people who don’t have enough money to get food? Food banks have become industries with paid employees and warehouses and transport trucks and associations with websites. All that costs money. It’s nuts.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to just give people the money they need to buy food?

I guess we think that if the poor have any more money they’ll just blow it on booze and drugs. Maybe they can’t be trusted to feed themselves and their children? Is that why we’ve benevolently chosen to give them food instead? And why do we want to put people into such a humbling situation where they have to line up for a crate of food – food that isn’t even of their own choosing.

To me one of the basic freedoms of being an uninstitutionalized autonomous adult is being able to choose the food I want to eat. Canada’s International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights commits this country, to ensuring "the right of everyone to an adequate standard of living for himself/herself and his/her family, including adequate food, clothing and housing."

It says nothing about letting volunteers and charities take care of the food issue so that we can all believe we’re doing something that’s solving the poverty problem in this country. As long as the food banks are chugging along, we have no reason to seriously address the social and economic reasons for poverty.

We all feel virtuous by tossing a few cans of beets into the food drive bin. And while it’s real nice that people want to help, we’re also perpetuating the problem.

People who can’t afford to buy food shouldn’t have to depend on our leftovers to survive. It grinds them even further into dependence, humility, hopelessness. People need to be able to get their own money to buy their own food. They need education and/or employment and/or affordable housing and/or affordable daycare and/or adequate social assistance.

Ottawa Transit Planning: The Long and Winding Road

Ottawa city councillors are going to talk some more today about transit plan options. There was a town hall meeting last night at the Hintonburg Community Centre were the general pubic got to voice their concerns about various aspects of the plan.

Lots of people think having light rail along the Ottawa River Parkway is an eco-hostile idea. I suppose it would depend on the approach.

For sure, any plan that increases bus lines is not a good idea. Rail, whether on the ground, above the ground or underground is where the future of Ottawa transit is. If you look at the best, most efficient transit systems in the world (Tokyo, London, Paris, Chicago, New York) its subways and elevated rail that allow them to be cost-effective, efficient and integral to the life of the city.

Also, Ottawa shouldn’t spend any money on extending the transitway beyond the greenbelt. We don’t want to encourage more urban sprawl. As I mentioned in a previous post, suburbs can’t sustain their current configurations forever.

In the US there has been a New Urbanism movement since the 1980s promoting the redesign of suburban infrastructure, based largely on European models. The idea is to incorporate things like shops, small and larger businesses, parks, recreational and cultural facilities within existing suburbs, making them more walkable and eliminating car dependence, long commutes, highways, etc. Park & Ride options could be considered for those who need to work in the city core.

In essence, suburbs will become small towns/communities within themselves. This New Urbanism is making its way to Canada and eventually even Ottawa. That will change transit needs. Wouldn’t it be cool if this city had the foresight and imagination to lead the way on this movement, beginning with a really visionary transit plan?
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For more opinions/ideas/discussion on this topic, see:
http://www.ottawatransit.ca/
http://www.otra.sandelman.ca
www.piepalace.ca/blog/2008/03/ottawas-transit-plan-critique.html
http://www.cutaactu.ca/en/home