The lawn-obsessed are fretting over Ontario's Bill 64 - The Cosmetic Pesticide Ban Act, 2008. Meanwhile, I think these neighbours have created something much more attractive than a putting green in their front yard.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
What's so great about grass?
The lawn-obsessed are fretting over Ontario's Bill 64 - The Cosmetic Pesticide Ban Act, 2008. Meanwhile, I think these neighbours have created something much more attractive than a putting green in their front yard.
How to be Cool Over 40
After a lot of research and hundreds of interviews, surveys and focus groups, I've compiled the following to help those of us with heartbreaking issue of Middle-aged Coolness Degeneration (M.A.D.)
Get a Cool Job: It’s never too late to make a career change. Cool jobs include rock star, gigolo, CSI investigator and fireman. Not cool jobs are things like Nigerian heir, public servant, street mime, David Suzuki[1] or mayor.
Look Cool: This is the most important one and the most difficult. General rule of thumb is to spend a lot of time, money and effort on hair and shoes and everything else will fall into place
With cool hair you can pull off the occasional fashion faux pas and still look cool. To have cool hair you need to spend a lot of money on a good stylist and lots of products and hair hardware. The aim is to have your hair look so natural and unfussy that it looks like you can’t even be bothered combing it, washing it or even looking at it.
The next thing you need are excellent shoes. You should have lots of shoes and they should all be expensive and should not hurt to walk in. They should not be designed to make you trip, stumble and fall a lot. You should also be able to walk in them on most terrains, so you are not defeated should the time comes that you might have to cross a lawn.
Clothes are tricky. An entire post or two could easily be devoted to middle-aged do's and don'ts when it comes to clothes, but alas my research hasn't taken me that far yet. In the meantime, be aware that not cool includes trendy fads or stores like Wal-Mart, Zellers, Giant Tiger, Northern Reflections or Tabi International. The easiest thing to do for now is to pick someone everyone thinks is cool, who’s kind of your age, style and size and copy them exactly.
Get Cool Teeth: In 2008, it is imperative that your teeth are so straight and blindingly white that they look like dentures. If you can’t afford months in the dentist chair to have your real teeth bleached, orthodontured and veneered, then you might as well get fake ones.
Get Cool Gadgets: It’s way cool for people of any age to have a lot of high-tech gadgets AND to know how to really use them. That includes portable gadgets, car gadgets and home/office gadgets. Not cool is to brag about how you can’t even operate your VCR or to make fun of youngsters texting because it's all so mystifying to you.
Be in a Band: There’s nothing cooler than being in a band, cutting a CD, playing a gig, jamming or talking about how you've just done or are about to do any of those things. Being the front man/woman, playing guitar, bass or keyboards are cool and being the drummer is especially cool. Playing accordion, recorder or air guitar, not so much. Karaoke is also not cool unless you're doing it in a mocking way and not because deep down you think you'll be discovered. Often it's hard to know for sure.
Stay away from Malls: Malls are cool for teenagers, not grown-ups. Grown-ups shop in stores staffed by grown-ups where the music is eclectic and funky rather than just ear-splittingly loud. Grown-up stores have doors, not gates that slide down from the ceiling. Also never go any place that makes you line-up to get food. Never line up for food.
Talk Cool: Keep up with current issues, trends, ideas. Don’t start all your sentences with “in my day…” Don’t make grammatical errors that will make people wince. Talking like a hillbilly or a teenager isn't cool. Get a pleasant voice. There is nothing more uncool than a voice that’s shrill, grating or sounds like you should be clearing your throat before speaking.
Walk Cool: Ever see those executive types in their expensive suits who spend 98% of their time sitting at desks and board tables so they have big barrel chests, bulging abdomens and wide heinies and skinny, spindly legs? When they get up to walk they lumber along on their underused pins kind of like a robot. Don’t be like that. Make videos of yourself walking in the privacy of your home. Don’t go out until you’re sure have mastered a cool strut.
Hang out with Cool People: Cultivate friendships with people who are cool and coolness is bound to rub off on you. Ditch friends who drive mini-vans, spend their weekends at Red Lobster, Swiss Chalet or Ponderosa. Also, don’t hang with anyone who’s into creative anachronism, Home Depot, Oprah or the Starland Vocal Band.
Be an Activist: Even the dorkiest dork immediately attains an aura of Cool Squared if he/she protests stuff. Joining things like PETA, the Green Party, Friends of the Earth, and Sweatshop Watch are way cool. Uncool groups would include Real Women, NRA, or the Stephen Harper Secret Cabal of Good, Clean Fun.
**********
[1] Don’t get me wrong, I love, love David Suzuki and all the wondrous things he hath wrought. It’s just his recent TV ads are really creeping me out
Get a Cool Job: It’s never too late to make a career change. Cool jobs include rock star, gigolo, CSI investigator and fireman. Not cool jobs are things like Nigerian heir, public servant, street mime, David Suzuki[1] or mayor.
Look Cool: This is the most important one and the most difficult. General rule of thumb is to spend a lot of time, money and effort on hair and shoes and everything else will fall into place
With cool hair you can pull off the occasional fashion faux pas and still look cool. To have cool hair you need to spend a lot of money on a good stylist and lots of products and hair hardware. The aim is to have your hair look so natural and unfussy that it looks like you can’t even be bothered combing it, washing it or even looking at it.
The next thing you need are excellent shoes. You should have lots of shoes and they should all be expensive and should not hurt to walk in. They should not be designed to make you trip, stumble and fall a lot. You should also be able to walk in them on most terrains, so you are not defeated should the time comes that you might have to cross a lawn.
Clothes are tricky. An entire post or two could easily be devoted to middle-aged do's and don'ts when it comes to clothes, but alas my research hasn't taken me that far yet. In the meantime, be aware that not cool includes trendy fads or stores like Wal-Mart, Zellers, Giant Tiger, Northern Reflections or Tabi International. The easiest thing to do for now is to pick someone everyone thinks is cool, who’s kind of your age, style and size and copy them exactly.
Get Cool Teeth: In 2008, it is imperative that your teeth are so straight and blindingly white that they look like dentures. If you can’t afford months in the dentist chair to have your real teeth bleached, orthodontured and veneered, then you might as well get fake ones.
Get Cool Gadgets: It’s way cool for people of any age to have a lot of high-tech gadgets AND to know how to really use them. That includes portable gadgets, car gadgets and home/office gadgets. Not cool is to brag about how you can’t even operate your VCR or to make fun of youngsters texting because it's all so mystifying to you.
Be in a Band: There’s nothing cooler than being in a band, cutting a CD, playing a gig, jamming or talking about how you've just done or are about to do any of those things. Being the front man/woman, playing guitar, bass or keyboards are cool and being the drummer is especially cool. Playing accordion, recorder or air guitar, not so much. Karaoke is also not cool unless you're doing it in a mocking way and not because deep down you think you'll be discovered. Often it's hard to know for sure.
Stay away from Malls: Malls are cool for teenagers, not grown-ups. Grown-ups shop in stores staffed by grown-ups where the music is eclectic and funky rather than just ear-splittingly loud. Grown-up stores have doors, not gates that slide down from the ceiling. Also never go any place that makes you line-up to get food. Never line up for food.
Talk Cool: Keep up with current issues, trends, ideas. Don’t start all your sentences with “in my day…” Don’t make grammatical errors that will make people wince. Talking like a hillbilly or a teenager isn't cool. Get a pleasant voice. There is nothing more uncool than a voice that’s shrill, grating or sounds like you should be clearing your throat before speaking.
Walk Cool: Ever see those executive types in their expensive suits who spend 98% of their time sitting at desks and board tables so they have big barrel chests, bulging abdomens and wide heinies and skinny, spindly legs? When they get up to walk they lumber along on their underused pins kind of like a robot. Don’t be like that. Make videos of yourself walking in the privacy of your home. Don’t go out until you’re sure have mastered a cool strut.
Hang out with Cool People: Cultivate friendships with people who are cool and coolness is bound to rub off on you. Ditch friends who drive mini-vans, spend their weekends at Red Lobster, Swiss Chalet or Ponderosa. Also, don’t hang with anyone who’s into creative anachronism, Home Depot, Oprah or the Starland Vocal Band.
Be an Activist: Even the dorkiest dork immediately attains an aura of Cool Squared if he/she protests stuff. Joining things like PETA, the Green Party, Friends of the Earth, and Sweatshop Watch are way cool. Uncool groups would include Real Women, NRA, or the Stephen Harper Secret Cabal of Good, Clean Fun.
**********
[1] Don’t get me wrong, I love, love David Suzuki and all the wondrous things he hath wrought. It’s just his recent TV ads are really creeping me out
Monday, May 12, 2008
10 Even Better Reasons to go Veg.
There was a very charming letter in Saturday’s Ottawa Citizen by one, Jaya Subramaniam, on the joys and benefits of vegetarianism. The letter ends:
Enjoyment of food is possible with leisure and with no commitment to aggressive achievements, military or otherwise. A peace-loving temperament and leisurely enjoyment of food thus reinforce each other. Similarly, any society, which is agricultural, develops a respect for the environment, together with a taste for vegetarian diet. Thus a vegetarian society is a peace-loving society, which enjoys good vegetarian food in addition to all the health benefits that it confers.
So, I'm thinking, “wow, there must be all sorts of hidden benefits to vegetarianism beyond all the well-publicized health, environmental, and ethical benefits."
World and inner peace, according to Jaya Subramaniam’s theory is possible if we all embrace the joys of a plant-based diet. I think we can also add the following:
1. Economics: Meat is bloody expensive.
2. Aesthetics: Vegetarians smell and taste better.
3. Endurance: A Yale University study revealed that vegetarians have nearly twice the stamina of meat-eaters.
4. Airline Food: It’s a well-known fact that if you order a vegetarian meal on an airplane you’ll get something resembling actual food.
5. Repel Insects: Insects, like mosquitoes, seem to be more attracted to omnivores than to vegetarians
6. Tidier Kitchens: Nothing messes up the stove, oven and pans more than roasting meat.
7. Feeling Superior: You can laugh at Mad-Cow anxiety; chide omnivores for their wasteful dietary practices and smirk smugly at other people’s food-related health issues.
8. Thwarting Conspiracies: You’re not a shill for the giants of transnational agri-food conglomerates -- the meat and dairy industries.
9. Element of Surprise: People assume because you’re a vegetarian you must be a weak, sensitive, pacifist pushover. You can take advantage of this gross under-estimation by kicking the shit out of them literally or metaphorically when they bug your ass.
10. Generate Conversations: Announcing your vegetarianism is a guaranteed ice-breaker at parties. People always have lots of questions, opinions and humorous/sarcastic quips to convey on the topic.
Enjoyment of food is possible with leisure and with no commitment to aggressive achievements, military or otherwise. A peace-loving temperament and leisurely enjoyment of food thus reinforce each other. Similarly, any society, which is agricultural, develops a respect for the environment, together with a taste for vegetarian diet. Thus a vegetarian society is a peace-loving society, which enjoys good vegetarian food in addition to all the health benefits that it confers.
So, I'm thinking, “wow, there must be all sorts of hidden benefits to vegetarianism beyond all the well-publicized health, environmental, and ethical benefits."
World and inner peace, according to Jaya Subramaniam’s theory is possible if we all embrace the joys of a plant-based diet. I think we can also add the following:
1. Economics: Meat is bloody expensive.
2. Aesthetics: Vegetarians smell and taste better.
3. Endurance: A Yale University study revealed that vegetarians have nearly twice the stamina of meat-eaters.
4. Airline Food: It’s a well-known fact that if you order a vegetarian meal on an airplane you’ll get something resembling actual food.
5. Repel Insects: Insects, like mosquitoes, seem to be more attracted to omnivores than to vegetarians
6. Tidier Kitchens: Nothing messes up the stove, oven and pans more than roasting meat.
7. Feeling Superior: You can laugh at Mad-Cow anxiety; chide omnivores for their wasteful dietary practices and smirk smugly at other people’s food-related health issues.
8. Thwarting Conspiracies: You’re not a shill for the giants of transnational agri-food conglomerates -- the meat and dairy industries.
9. Element of Surprise: People assume because you’re a vegetarian you must be a weak, sensitive, pacifist pushover. You can take advantage of this gross under-estimation by kicking the shit out of them literally or metaphorically when they bug your ass.
10. Generate Conversations: Announcing your vegetarianism is a guaranteed ice-breaker at parties. People always have lots of questions, opinions and humorous/sarcastic quips to convey on the topic.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
What I Did Mother's Day Weekend
Friday
The child had a friend over and they went to the park across the street to hang out with boys. So I hung out with my friend, P. We ate jalapeño chips and drank just a teensy bit too much wine.
Then the child and her friend came back and facebooked or msned or whatever they do that requires a lot of high-pitched squealing and giggling.
They kept that up long after I’d fallen asleep.
Saturday
Bazel woke me at the crack of dawn and we had a nice quiet breakfast and read the paper together until the squealing teenagers woke up at ten demanding to be fed. “Ha ha,” I said. “Make your own breakfast. I have other plans.”
I know. I’m a horrible mother – letting her hang around parks with boys, drinking around her, not constantly supervising her internet usage, leaving her to fend for herself for breakfast, but, oh well, she can take it up with her therapist when she’s 30.
So, anyway, I made my way over to Preston Street where I was meeting the ever sparklingly effervescent Zoom for brunch at Stoneface Dolly’s. We had delightful egg dishes, some very large tumblers of Beau’s and then wandered aroundLittle Italy. .
As you’ll discover over on Zoom’s blog, we ended up stumbling into some tulip-related festivities. Zoom has posted some of the gorgeous photos she took.
I’d never been to Ottawa during Tulip Festival and couldn’t imagine traveling here just to see tulips, but they are pretty and flowery and almost as colorful as the many, many people who apparently did travel to see tulips.
I took the O-Train for the first time, too. I love the O-Train. I wish the O-Train would go more places that I need to go so I could take the O-Train all the time. I didn’t want to get off the O-Train. I want to marry the O-Train. I think the O-Train likes me, too. We went through a tunnel!!
After the O-Train, I went for a hair cut. Nothing drastic, just a general cleaning up so I look less like a crazy cat lady. Eventually I went home.
That night I dreamed of the O-Train.
Sunday
Sunday, Bazel woke me up at the crack of dawn, pointing out that the day promised to be a lovely one. We had breakfast and read the paper. Then I watched Coronation Street, (yawn).
My darling daughter, who’s life I’m, like, totally ruining by not dancing attendance on her when, (and only when), she wants me to, gave me this lovely painting for Mother’s Day. She’s the artist.
Then to heap on additional guilt, she also made the Sunday lunch – her famous vegetarian cannelloni. It was awesome.
After I watched her wash the dishes, scrub the pots, scour the kitchen and shovel ashes out of the hearth with a teaspoon, we went out to walk off the canneloni. We ran into some neighbours who were also walking off their Mother's Day lunch. They talked us into coming with them for some beverages at a nearby coffee conglomarate whose doors I had so far managed not to darken and whose name starts with s.t.a.r. and rhymes with "sucks".
And now I'm back home and trying to psych myself up to start preparations for another dynamic week of work and school.
And, that's a slice of my weekend life. Hope ya'll had a beautiful Mother's Day Weekend.
The child had a friend over and they went to the park across the street to hang out with boys. So I hung out with my friend, P. We ate jalapeño chips and drank just a teensy bit too much wine.
Then the child and her friend came back and facebooked or msned or whatever they do that requires a lot of high-pitched squealing and giggling.
They kept that up long after I’d fallen asleep.
Saturday
Bazel woke me at the crack of dawn and we had a nice quiet breakfast and read the paper together until the squealing teenagers woke up at ten demanding to be fed. “Ha ha,” I said. “Make your own breakfast. I have other plans.”
I know. I’m a horrible mother – letting her hang around parks with boys, drinking around her, not constantly supervising her internet usage, leaving her to fend for herself for breakfast, but, oh well, she can take it up with her therapist when she’s 30.
So, anyway, I made my way over to Preston Street where I was meeting the ever sparklingly effervescent Zoom for brunch at Stoneface Dolly’s. We had delightful egg dishes, some very large tumblers of Beau’s and then wandered aroundLittle Italy. .
As you’ll discover over on Zoom’s blog, we ended up stumbling into some tulip-related festivities. Zoom has posted some of the gorgeous photos she took.
I’d never been to Ottawa during Tulip Festival and couldn’t imagine traveling here just to see tulips, but they are pretty and flowery and almost as colorful as the many, many people who apparently did travel to see tulips.
I took the O-Train for the first time, too. I love the O-Train. I wish the O-Train would go more places that I need to go so I could take the O-Train all the time. I didn’t want to get off the O-Train. I want to marry the O-Train. I think the O-Train likes me, too. We went through a tunnel!!
After the O-Train, I went for a hair cut. Nothing drastic, just a general cleaning up so I look less like a crazy cat lady. Eventually I went home.
That night I dreamed of the O-Train.
Sunday
Sunday, Bazel woke me up at the crack of dawn, pointing out that the day promised to be a lovely one. We had breakfast and read the paper. Then I watched Coronation Street, (yawn).
My darling daughter, who’s life I’m, like, totally ruining by not dancing attendance on her when, (and only when), she wants me to, gave me this lovely painting for Mother’s Day. She’s the artist.
Then to heap on additional guilt, she also made the Sunday lunch – her famous vegetarian cannelloni. It was awesome.
After I watched her wash the dishes, scrub the pots, scour the kitchen and shovel ashes out of the hearth with a teaspoon, we went out to walk off the canneloni. We ran into some neighbours who were also walking off their Mother's Day lunch. They talked us into coming with them for some beverages at a nearby coffee conglomarate whose doors I had so far managed not to darken and whose name starts with s.t.a.r. and rhymes with "sucks".And now I'm back home and trying to psych myself up to start preparations for another dynamic week of work and school.
And, that's a slice of my weekend life. Hope ya'll had a beautiful Mother's Day Weekend.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Not so Green
The National Geographic Society just released its Greendex 2008 survey of consumers in the 14 countries of the world that use 75% of the world’s energy resources.
The survey measured each country’s environmental impact, by comparing the behaviors of its citizens in 4 areas: housing, transportation, food, and consumer goods.
Housing included size of homes, water consumption and the amount/type of energy used.
Transportation measured ownership of private vehicles and usage, length of regular commutes by car and use of public transportation.
Foods looked at the consumption of foods with high environmental impacts like bottled water, meat and seafood and how far foods consumed had traveled (as opposed to consumption of locally grown products).
Goods compared the amount of things that people buy and how long they’re used, whether they’re recycled/reused or thrown away.
Here are some of the scores, with India and Brazil the top two greenest countries and Canada and the US, the least green countries in the world.
India – 60
Brazil – 60
China – 56.1
Mexico – 54.3
Hungary – 53.2
Russia – 52.4
UK – 50.2
Germany – 50.2
Australia – 50.2
Spain – 50.0
Japan – 49.1
France – 48.7
Canada – 48.5
USA – 44.9
The survey measured each country’s environmental impact, by comparing the behaviors of its citizens in 4 areas: housing, transportation, food, and consumer goods.
Housing included size of homes, water consumption and the amount/type of energy used.
Transportation measured ownership of private vehicles and usage, length of regular commutes by car and use of public transportation.
Foods looked at the consumption of foods with high environmental impacts like bottled water, meat and seafood and how far foods consumed had traveled (as opposed to consumption of locally grown products).
Goods compared the amount of things that people buy and how long they’re used, whether they’re recycled/reused or thrown away.
Here are some of the scores, with India and Brazil the top two greenest countries and Canada and the US, the least green countries in the world.
India – 60
Brazil – 60
China – 56.1
Mexico – 54.3
Hungary – 53.2
Russia – 52.4
UK – 50.2
Germany – 50.2
Australia – 50.2
Spain – 50.0
Japan – 49.1
France – 48.7
Canada – 48.5
USA – 44.9
Friday, May 9, 2008
10 things that bug me
- When you go to get new vacuum cleaner bags or mop heads and your appliance has been discontinued.
- When phones or alarms ring on the TV and you think it’s real.
- Stores that play loud, loud music so you get a headache as soon as you walk in and can’t talk to the person your with or the sales clerk.
- The TV ad where a bunch of women are “celebrating” one woman’s 50th birthday and they’re all being hags by telling her all the horrible things that are going to happen to her now that she’s 50.
- People who end their emails with “if you have any problems or questions, please don’t hesitate to call me”. Do people with problems hesitate to call someone who could solve them? And, if they do, would this sentence make a difference?
- People who send an e-mail and then call you or come over to your desk to see if you got it.
- When you have a lab test/x-ray/ultra-sound or something and everyone has to keep it a secret from you because a whole team of strangers has to know these things about your body before you are allowed to.
- People who correct grammar or typos in library books.
- Drivers who stop at intersections in the middle of crosswalks.
- Being lectured about global, social or other issues and then hit up for money by zillionare celebrities who barely know what they’re talking about.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Dr. Cuckoo-Head, I Presume?
I’ve been trying to find a family doctor since I moved to Ottawa in July. I’ve checked the CPSO many times, called all the clinics, medical centres, doctor’s offices, hospitals, asked friends, co-workers, neighbours, casual acquaintances and even strangers, but couldn’t find a doctor who was accepting patients.
Finally, about 10 weeks ago, I got a name of a doctor who, I was told, might possibly consider it, but I would have to book a half hour appointment to discuss things before she decided whether or not to take me on.
So, yesterday, was the happy day. The waiting room was the usual chaotic scene – unruly mobs of sick people, stressed-out staff. At one point a little ferret-faced woman came charging out of the back and started screeching at the staff… something about a misplaced fax, a lost patient named Margaret and a file that hadn’t been labelled neatly enough.
After only 45 minutes past my appointment time, I got moved up to backroom status. After enough time had gone by for me to carefully check out all the equipment and supplies in the room twice, the ferret-faced woman came in claiming to be the doctor. She extends her pen for me to shake in lieu of her hand.
Then for 8 ½ minutes and without ever looking at me, she starts firing questions hardly waiting long enough between questions to let me give a complete answer. And not the usual questions one would expect, but really bizarre questions, too. Here’s an excerpt from the interrogation:
Dr.: Do you want a colonoscopy?
Me: (Now? I thought, looking around for the anal probe). Umm…why?
Dr. (exasperated at the stupidity of my question) To check for colon cancer!
Me: But why that in particular?
Dr. Well, do you have a history of colon cancer in your family?
Me: No.
Dr: Surgery?
Me: (Now, to me a one-word question like that conjures up endless possibilities – do I want surgery, can I perform surgery, do I enjoy surgery, can I spell surgery) No, thanks. (I finally say)
Dr: (Scribbling furiously & with another exasperated exhalation) Give me a list of the surgeries you’ve had!
Me: I haven’t had any.
Dr. (Slamming clipboard onto desk) I CAN”T BE YOUR DOCTOR IF YOU”RE GOING TO LIE!
Me: (thinking, fuck you bitch). I can have my medical records sent here.
Dr: Why would I want those?
Me: Well… they’re my medical records and they’ll tell you all about the surgeries I didn’t have and other medical stuff.
Dr: I don’t see any point in that. VITAMINS?
Me: (starting to get the hang of this. Yes – a multivitamin/mineral every day.
Dr. (scribbling furiously)
Me: And a calcium supplement
Dr. (Slamming clipboard down again) DO NOT ADD THINGS AFTER I”VE FINISHED TAKING NOTES!
Me: (Looking around for hidden Just-for-Laughs camera). I feel an aneurism coming on.
Dr. (No reaction whatsoever. She just scribbles some more then walks out)
I wait for a few minutes, thinking I might have offended her and now she’ll never be my doctor. My spirits lift. I go looking for her. She’s in the next room, rifling through papers.
Me: Are we done?
Dr. (handing me a sheaf of paperwork – still without ever looking in my direction). Get these tests done. You’ll have a tetanus shot when you come back.
Me: What about my daughter?
Dr. What about her?
Me: Don’t you need to know anything about her?
Dr. She has to come for a meeting. I can’t possibly decide whether I want to treat a patient if I haven’t met them. LOOK (she suddenly screeches pointing at her clipboard) Look at all the work I’ve had to do! I need to do this to know if I want a patient!
I back away slowly. We don't say good-bye. I walk briskly out of the clinic.
I want to break up with her immediately. Is this wrong of me? Should I be falling on my knees in gratitude that some psycho with a medical degree is willing to add me to her patient roster? Or, should I keep looking knowing full well that the chances are very slim of me finding a doctor in this city?
If anyone knows of a non-insane doctor in Ottawa who’s taking patients, please let me know. Thank you.
Finally, about 10 weeks ago, I got a name of a doctor who, I was told, might possibly consider it, but I would have to book a half hour appointment to discuss things before she decided whether or not to take me on.
So, yesterday, was the happy day. The waiting room was the usual chaotic scene – unruly mobs of sick people, stressed-out staff. At one point a little ferret-faced woman came charging out of the back and started screeching at the staff… something about a misplaced fax, a lost patient named Margaret and a file that hadn’t been labelled neatly enough.
After only 45 minutes past my appointment time, I got moved up to backroom status. After enough time had gone by for me to carefully check out all the equipment and supplies in the room twice, the ferret-faced woman came in claiming to be the doctor. She extends her pen for me to shake in lieu of her hand.
Then for 8 ½ minutes and without ever looking at me, she starts firing questions hardly waiting long enough between questions to let me give a complete answer. And not the usual questions one would expect, but really bizarre questions, too. Here’s an excerpt from the interrogation:
Dr.: Do you want a colonoscopy?
Me: (Now? I thought, looking around for the anal probe). Umm…why?
Dr. (exasperated at the stupidity of my question) To check for colon cancer!
Me: But why that in particular?
Dr. Well, do you have a history of colon cancer in your family?
Me: No.
Dr: Surgery?
Me: (Now, to me a one-word question like that conjures up endless possibilities – do I want surgery, can I perform surgery, do I enjoy surgery, can I spell surgery) No, thanks. (I finally say)
Dr: (Scribbling furiously & with another exasperated exhalation) Give me a list of the surgeries you’ve had!
Me: I haven’t had any.
Dr. (Slamming clipboard onto desk) I CAN”T BE YOUR DOCTOR IF YOU”RE GOING TO LIE!
Me: (thinking, fuck you bitch). I can have my medical records sent here.
Dr: Why would I want those?
Me: Well… they’re my medical records and they’ll tell you all about the surgeries I didn’t have and other medical stuff.
Dr: I don’t see any point in that. VITAMINS?
Me: (starting to get the hang of this. Yes – a multivitamin/mineral every day.
Dr. (scribbling furiously)
Me: And a calcium supplement
Dr. (Slamming clipboard down again) DO NOT ADD THINGS AFTER I”VE FINISHED TAKING NOTES!
Me: (Looking around for hidden Just-for-Laughs camera). I feel an aneurism coming on.
Dr. (No reaction whatsoever. She just scribbles some more then walks out)
I wait for a few minutes, thinking I might have offended her and now she’ll never be my doctor. My spirits lift. I go looking for her. She’s in the next room, rifling through papers.
Me: Are we done?
Dr. (handing me a sheaf of paperwork – still without ever looking in my direction). Get these tests done. You’ll have a tetanus shot when you come back.
Me: What about my daughter?
Dr. What about her?
Me: Don’t you need to know anything about her?
Dr. She has to come for a meeting. I can’t possibly decide whether I want to treat a patient if I haven’t met them. LOOK (she suddenly screeches pointing at her clipboard) Look at all the work I’ve had to do! I need to do this to know if I want a patient!
I back away slowly. We don't say good-bye. I walk briskly out of the clinic.
I want to break up with her immediately. Is this wrong of me? Should I be falling on my knees in gratitude that some psycho with a medical degree is willing to add me to her patient roster? Or, should I keep looking knowing full well that the chances are very slim of me finding a doctor in this city?
If anyone knows of a non-insane doctor in Ottawa who’s taking patients, please let me know. Thank you.
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