Immortality: The 12-Step Program

The other day, apropos to nothing at all, someone I was talking suddenly blurted, “I want to live forever.” I waited to see if she was going to follow this up with, “Baby, remember my name,” but she didn’t.

She did say it with such passion and conviction that I was compelled to try and help her with her goal. So, I gathered my team of crack researchers and we went off to conduct interviews, surveys and focus groups[1]. The results may surprise you.

1. One of the prime determinants of living forever is genetics. So, if one or more of your parents are dead, you will need new parents with better genes. Your best bet is to go with centenarians. Approximately 1 in every 5,000 people is over 100, so you have plenty of options.

2. Wear and tear of organs can also cause death, so use your organs sparingly. Your heart, for instance, has a finite number of beats allotted to it, so try not to do things that will accelerate your heartbeat. Your brain, likewise should not be used unless absolutely necessary.

3. Alcohol, chemicals and salt are well-known preservatives. Ingesting these regularly will guarantee your organs are preserved and protected against disease and degeneration.

4. Smoking coats your respiratory tract with a thick tar-like substance that shields lungs and bronchial tubes from viruses and bacteria. Smoke frequently.

5. Stress is a major cause of death. Work, children and spouses are the top three life stressors in humans. Remove them all from your life.

6. A LOT of people die in hospitals. Stay away from hospitals. Surgery is especially bad for you because a lot of things in your body can accidentally get cut out and also a lot of unwanted things can find their way into your body while it’s open (e.g.: bacteria, insects, diseases or hair from the last patient, loose threads or buttons on the doctors’ & nurses’ clothes)

7. Stay out of and away from cars. They kill a lot of people. I know it’s commonly thought that cars don’t kill people- people kill people, but it’s not true. Cars kill people.

8. Stay away from people. You never know when one of them might kill you, accidentally or on purpose.

9. Never immerse yourself in water to avoid drowning – don’t even bathe. In fact stay out of the bathroom because most domestic accidents happen there.

10. Candles and fireplaces might seem romantic, but one wrong move and you’re up in flames. And anyway, you should be avoiding romantic entanglements. They lead to stress and possibly accelerated heart rates.

11. Although this should go without saying, suicide must be avoided at all costs. You’d be surprised how many people don’t really think it through before jumping.

12. Finally, always, always wear clean underwear. It’s a well-known fact that everybody who dies unexpectedly has soiled underwear.

*** Use this life expectancy calculator to see if you have a chance at immortality.
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[1] Immortals interviewed for this research paper include: Hugh Heffner (see #5, has also achieved immorality...not that we're judging), Charo (see #1 - has run through several "daddies"; won’t reveal actual birthdate, but dated Karl Malden in high school), Karl Malden(see #2 - has never used any of his organs) , Mickey Rooney (see #3& #4) , Liza Minelli (died several times, but claims to have been brought back from the dead), Keith Richards (currently job-sharing with Grim Reaper)