Monday, May 26, 2008

Monday Morning Nonsense

A Definitive Guide to Women's Body Language

While I still have my research team under contract I thought I’d send them out to answer the age old question: How do I know if a woman likes me? [1]

Short answer: Study their body language.

So, after the usual interviews, surveys and focus groups, we have ascertained the following:

Hair: A woman’s hair is an important communication tool.

- If she tosses it around and plays with it a lot it means she likes you.

- If she scratch her head it means you’re confusing her or possibly that she has head lice.

- If she tears out large chunks of her hair and screams, you’ve overstayed your welcome.

- If she pulls off her hair to reveal a brush-cut, she’s a Marine in drag.

Clothes: Clothes are an expression of a woman’s psyche – not only what she’s wearing, but how she’s wearing it.

- If a woman undoes the top button of her blouse while talking to you, she’s signaling a strong sexual interest in you.

- If she undoes all the buttons on her blouse and takes it off, she wants you to do her right there and then.

- If she does up buttons on her blouse and shivers it means either that she’s cold or that you’re giving her the creeps.

- If she puts on her coat and leaves, you may assume you’ve struck out.

Breasts: Women know breasts have a stupefying effect on men. They don’t really understand it, but have learned to take advantage of it anyway.

- If a woman thrusts her bosom forward during the conversation, she’s very attracted to you.

- If she takes her breasts out and asks you to feel how real they are, it’s a pretty good indication that she’s a table dancer.

- If she folds her arms over her breasts and cowers in a corner you should probably think of a better pick-up line.

Legs: Legs can be very important in gauging a woman’s intentions. Pay careful attention to what the legs are telling you.

- If she crosses and uncrosses her legs a lot she wants to attract your attention.

- If she wraps her legs around your neck she's only demonstrating her flexibility -- don't misread this move.

- If she swings her leg back and forth quickly while talking to you, she’s upset.

- If she swings her leg and her foot and connects with your groin, she’s really, really upset.

Eyes: The window to the soul, as we all know.

- If a woman looks you in the eye while speaking with you she’s fascinated by you (or more rarely, may be trying to hypnotize you).

- If a woman looks you up and down while talking to you and smiles it means she wants you.

- If she looks you up and down and laughs it means your fly is undone.

- If she rolls her eyes at everything you say she’s either disgusted with you or about to pass out.

- If she blinks a lot you’re probably spitting while you talk.

- If a woman closes her eyes and pouts her lips she wants you to kiss her.

- If she closes her eyes and snores, you’re probably boring her.

Hands: Though often ignored during courting rituals, hands can tell you a great deal about the person you’re with. Watch the hands closely and note everything from what they look like to how they move during conversation.

- If she touches you a lot, she’s warm for your form.

- If she slaps you, you need a new pick-up line.

- If she grabs your testicles and twists, you need to get your hands off her and step away.

- If she grabs her own testicles invitingly, she’s a Marine in drag and is warm for your form.


[1] The body language of the human male will be discussed in another article. Consultants will need to be hired for this project.

*** No actual testicles were harmed during the development of this guide.


Bandobras said...

Is it a good thing or a bad thing if they vomit into their mouth a little whenever you approach.

A. & J. said...

funny stuff

"If she blinks a lot you’re probably spitting while you talk."

My favorite.

JB said...

What if, while traveling to see her family with our kids in tow, I tease her about one of her foibly little habits, and, without even looking over from the front passenger seat, she says to me, "Just shut up and drive?"

XUP said...

Bandobras -very bad

A&J - thanks

JB - that's not so much body language as it is telling you to shut up.

Newsguy Bob said...

I was especially glad to read the disclaimer about no testicles being harmed. "Ball-buster" is not an attractive label on any woman.

Bandobras said...

The quick and easy way to decipher men’s body language

Hair Not as important as it is for a women but if he touches it, or not. If he has any,or not. If it’s colored or gray. He’s hot for you

Clothes Not as important as it is for a women but if he’s wearing some or not He’s hot for you
Breasts Not as important as it is for a women but we like em.

Legs Not as important as they are for women but crossed, uncrossed, swinging, still,standing or sitting. He’s hot for you.
Eyes Not as important as they are for women but crossed, uncrossed, glasses contacts opened or closed. He’s hot for you.

Hands Not as important as they are for women but opened, closed, flexing or touching his face, legs or hair. He’s hot for you.

If he is not hot for you, introduce him to the marine in drag.

XUP said...

Bob - Agreed. Not a great moniker for men either.

Bandobras - WELL! Thanks a lot, now you've usurped my next blog post