Monday Morning Nonsense

A Definitive Guide to Women's Body Language

While I still have my research team under contract I thought I’d send them out to answer the age old question: How do I know if a woman likes me? [1]

Short answer: Study their body language.

So, after the usual interviews, surveys and focus groups, we have ascertained the following:

Hair: A woman’s hair is an important communication tool.

- If she tosses it around and plays with it a lot it means she likes you.

- If she scratch her head it means you’re confusing her or possibly that she has head lice.

- If she tears out large chunks of her hair and screams, you’ve overstayed your welcome.

- If she pulls off her hair to reveal a brush-cut, she’s a Marine in drag.

Clothes: Clothes are an expression of a woman’s psyche – not only what she’s wearing, but how she’s wearing it.

- If a woman undoes the top button of her blouse while talking to you, she’s signaling a strong sexual interest in you.

- If she undoes all the buttons on her blouse and takes it off, she wants you to do her right there and then.

- If she does up buttons on her blouse and shivers it means either that she’s cold or that you’re giving her the creeps.

- If she puts on her coat and leaves, you may assume you’ve struck out.

Breasts: Women know breasts have a stupefying effect on men. They don’t really understand it, but have learned to take advantage of it anyway.

- If a woman thrusts her bosom forward during the conversation, she’s very attracted to you.

- If she takes her breasts out and asks you to feel how real they are, it’s a pretty good indication that she’s a table dancer.

- If she folds her arms over her breasts and cowers in a corner you should probably think of a better pick-up line.

Legs: Legs can be very important in gauging a woman’s intentions. Pay careful attention to what the legs are telling you.

- If she crosses and uncrosses her legs a lot she wants to attract your attention.



- If she wraps her legs around your neck she's only demonstrating her flexibility -- don't misread this move.

- If she swings her leg back and forth quickly while talking to you, she’s upset.

- If she swings her leg and her foot and connects with your groin, she’s really, really upset.

Eyes: The window to the soul, as we all know.

- If a woman looks you in the eye while speaking with you she’s fascinated by you (or more rarely, may be trying to hypnotize you).

- If a woman looks you up and down while talking to you and smiles it means she wants you.

- If she looks you up and down and laughs it means your fly is undone.

- If she rolls her eyes at everything you say she’s either disgusted with you or about to pass out.

- If she blinks a lot you’re probably spitting while you talk.

- If a woman closes her eyes and pouts her lips she wants you to kiss her.

- If she closes her eyes and snores, you’re probably boring her.

Hands: Though often ignored during courting rituals, hands can tell you a great deal about the person you’re with. Watch the hands closely and note everything from what they look like to how they move during conversation.

- If she touches you a lot, she’s warm for your form.

- If she slaps you, you need a new pick-up line.

- If she grabs your testicles and twists, you need to get your hands off her and step away.

- If she grabs her own testicles invitingly, she’s a Marine in drag and is warm for your form.

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[1] The body language of the human male will be discussed in another article. Consultants will need to be hired for this project.

*** No actual testicles were harmed during the development of this guide.